According to Hoyle...

Programmer Jokes

macCompanion

April 2010

by Jonathan Hoyle

http://www.jonhoyle.com

Last fall, we began a six part series on the upcoming changes on the C++ language. After such a long dive into an extremely technical (and limited appeal) topic, I figure that we need to lighten things up this month. So, I am going to take a break from my usual boring geek rants, and give my loyal readers a little well-earned entertainment. So this month, I am presenting some of the best programmer jokes. They are in no particular order, but please enjoy!

Q: How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
A: When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware engineer with a software patch, and a user with an idea. – The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project Manager all at the same time!”

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl scripts.

Q: "What’s the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
A: Inheritance

int getRandomNumber()
{
return 4; // chosen by fair dice roll
// guaranteed to be random
}

To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Yes.

Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

God is real (unless declared integer)

Q: Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
A: Because it is below C level.

APL is a write-only language.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.
Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

A programmer walks down a path when suddenly a frog steps into his lane, saying: "if you'll kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful blond babe who'll adore you and start a family with you". After couple of seconds the programmer picks the frog up and puts it in his shirt pocket. The frog goes "Aren't you gonna kiss me?!" "No", the programmer responds. "I work at Google, no time for a wife. But a talking frog is COOL!"

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

Q: Why didn't the programmer get a new car?
A: He couldn't find anyone to cosine.

All my girlfriends' names have ended in jpg.

To see a list of all the According to Hoyle columns, visit: http://www.jonhoyle.com/maccompanion

http://www.maccompanion.com/macc/archives/April2010/Columns/AccordingtoHoyle56.htm