Windows Vista: Coming Soon in Chipotle Flavor!

©2006 Macinquirer.com

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by Billy James

The rumors are true: Microsoft is planning to release no less than six different versions of its coming-eventually Vista operating system. According to a recent accidental leak of the product lineup (an "accident" roughly as convincing as the pics in Liza Minelli and David Guest's wedding album), the Redmond software octopus plans a veritable Skittles rainbow of fruit-flavored inscrutibility. For Mac-based users who may not be familiar with the multi-pronged approach to OS marketing, The Inquirer presents a quick overview of the various Vista versions:

Windows Vista Home Basic: described as providing a simple setup for users who want to surf the web and retrieve email, but want added protection against viruses and spyware. Home Basic will avoid viruses and spyware by being unable to actually connect to the internet.

Windows Vista Home Premium: this one is Home Basic with added functionality, though Microsoft's idea of "functionality" normally consists of convincing people they need to buy additional Microsoft products to make the ones they already own work properly. The "Premium" refers to the fact that it will cost 50 bucks more than Home Basic.

Windows Vista Starter: designed to give users in "emerging technology countries" an affordable easy to learn and use computing experience. If this sounds like a tall order, keep in mind that approximately none of the computers in those countries will meet the minimum system requirements to actually run the OS, so Microsoft will never have to deliver this version at all.

Windows Vista Business: the functionality of Vista Home Premium, but requires a full-time IT staff to maintain. Will be used by all the bad guys on the 2007 season of 24.

Windows Vista Enterprise: operates on Microsoft's new "V'ger" software platform, and comes packaged in a glowing cloud that has eaten entire solar systems and is now on a direct course for Earth. Can be prevented from destroying humanity only by feeding it a member of the IT staff, who will become one with the machine forever. Director's Cut version contains 20 minutes of additional footage.

Windows Vista Ultimate: For those who want the most capable and reliable OS available, with built-in security and state-of-the-art media capabilities. Will consist of a Mac mini and a copy of Mac OS X version 10.6.

When asked exactly when the new Vista versions will be released, a Microsoft spokesperson pretended to have a very important call coming in on another line and said they'd call us back later.